Hello everyone! So...normally...I get about twenty "footprints" a week from people visiting my site. Lately it's been somebody from California watching the video of me playing monopoly with my cat over and over again (not that it's not a fantastic video, but...I mean, every day? I don't even watch videos of me every day, and I'm narcissistic). However, since I sent out a massive e-mail advertising Steve Bingo 2, I got seventy-three footprints in three hours. Talk about a boost in popularity. It might be enough to keep me narcissistic for another week.

A warm welcome goes out to all of you who may be visiting, and a very warm welcome to my new subscriber...the first person to subscribe to this site since July 2008. Well, that's if you don't count "group" subscriptions like "mancouch" that subscribed to me. But what's that all about? The site describes men's viewpoints on things as if I'm not already intricately familiar with my own opinions on every subject. They might as well have a "SteveCouch" that keeps an extensive record of every opinion I've ever formed. Now that I think about it, that seems like exactly the kind of thing I would do. I wonder how to create something like that.

Not that I'm far off. I've created a Facebook fan page so even people who aren't friends with me on facebook can still be a fan Steve Devereaux. Normally I despise that feature because it clogs up my homepage with all these alerts like, "Eight of your friends are fans of toasters! Do you want to be?" People, it you don't make a banner, paint your chest with the word "toaster," or have some sort fight song for when the Pop Tarts are done, you're not really a "fan." What a waste of my homepage...especially when it's something really generic. "Two of your friends are fans of breathing!" Really, only two? Then there are the negatively formed groups. "Fourteen of your friends are fans of not walking to class." That leaves things kind of open-ended...there's an infinite number of things that qualify as "not walking to class." Sticking a duck in the microwave isn't walking to class, are you fan of that? The point is: you should be a fan of Steve Devereaux on facebook if you aren't already.

On a similar note, I discovered I can "like" my own actions. I've taken to doing this whenever I update my status. It's good for people to know that I approve of my own updates.

Carbonation Day went well. We had a remarkable turn out of six people, including my father. Highlights of the day include popcorn with the Howdyshells, watching Justin freak about about Deiter's snake, watching Justin play "Wii Fit" (apparently it had been so long since he last played that the computer didn't remember his name), and throwing racquetballs at Justin while he tried to shield himself with a yellow cooler. Wow...pretty much all of the best parts involve Justin. I wonder if there's a hidden significance in that.

As long as I'm thinking about it, I might as well tell you guys my class schedule for this semester. I'm sure you're on the edge of your seat waiting to find out.

9:00 a.m. MWF: Number Theory. Yeah, I wasn't thrilled with the idea of a 9:00 class that makes me do actual thinking, but number theory has been pretty interesting. The only problem is that the class is set up in a "cut-throat" sort of way--we all get a bunch of problems and then get credit for the problems we do on the board in front of the class. So the majority of the problems I'm doing are problems I'm not getting any credit for. Naturally, this has caused me to wonder: if somebody asks for my help, wouldn't it be more in my interest to give them the wrong answers? Then I get credit for doing it the right way. So I'm learning a lot about math, but I'm learning even more about human relations. This should count as my social science elective too.

11:00 a.m. MF: Worldview Development. This class looks interesting, but there's a lot of group work. My team, "Team Calvin" (named for John Calvin) is not nearly as energetic as my New Testament group, "Team Blueberry," so I'm hoping they're not one of those groups that actually takes things seriously. Otherwise this is going to be a long class.

11:00 a.m. TR: Physics III. Every time we were going to talk about something cool in Physics II, Dr. Chen would say, "But we'll study that in Physics III." So I expect this to be the most awesome class ever. From what I've gathered, we'll be talking about time travel and walking through walls. I asked Dr. Chen about shrink rays, but he said he was "too mature for those." He was also disinclined to my idea of accepted bribes for good grades.

12:30 p.m. TR: Real Variables I. Supposedly this is one of the top four math classes that makes math majors cry. I haven't felt any tears whelming up yet, but that doesn't mean they won't be. Right now the only problem is that the class is an hour and a half long, which is a long time for any given person to think about math. That's probably the reason it makes people cry. I kind of want to cry just thinking about it right now.

2:00 p.m. MWF: Probability and Statistics. I had signed up for this class so that I would be able to take a really easy Capstone course my senior year (and this was one of the prerequisites). Little did I know they would change up the schedule so that now I can't take that capstone, meaning I'm taking this class for practically no reason at all (I'm counting it as an applied math elective now). It's taught by Dr. Schumacher, who you've heard me describe before as a mix between and eighteenth-century composer and a guy who invented time travel in his garage. Still, it's the only class I've ever had that requires us to play with cards and dice (inside the Bible building no less). There better be a section on counting cards so I can at least make some cash on the side. Right now we're just going over problems of people pulling things out of boxes at random. It's like Abe Kane choosing his socks for the day. I hope there aren't people getting paid to know these kinds of things.

So that's the schedule. Add Jazz Band and you've got six classes for fourteen credits. It's going to be a busy semester.

We met our sister unit the other day, and they're a really cool bunch of girls. We had dinner with them the first time we met them, but we didn't really get to know each other until we teamed up for Beach Ball Volleyball. Apparently a group theme was required. Somehow we settled on "hippies." Allow me to use this instance to highlight yet another major difference between men and women:

Women: "Oh, the theme is hippies! Let's all go to the store and buy new clothes so we can look like hippies and claim it was motivation for shopping!"

Men: "Oh, the theme is hippies. Maybe I'll put on a white shirt."

So...no, we didn't really dress up that much or even look like hippies at all. I claimed I was growing my hair out for the theme, but nobody really bought it. But I was wearing a white shirt. If they had wanted us to participate, they should have chosen one of these themes that I came up with after the fact:

• Bedtime. I could have come in pajamas and been truly comfortable the entire time. Unfortunately, I don't sleep in pajamas, so the sister unit might have gotten to know me a little better than they would have liked.
• Volleyball Players. Maybe we would have had a tactical advantage over our opponents, who are so committed to their theme of "knights" that they're actually wearing suits of armor (note: no, I don't know of a team that actually did that).
• Nerds. I wouldn't even have had to dress up. Heck, I could have done some homework during the experience and been totally efficient while getting bonus points. Why does nobody ask me about these things?
• Gangster. I could have put on a Tennessee jersey, sagged my pants, and gotten kicked out of Cedarville. One out of three ain't bad.

Our team name ended up being "Better Than Nothing," reminiscent of the team of group leaders who beat us in soccer in Guatemala. But we did beat one group. If we're better than nothing, what does that make them?

In other news, I ordered a large rubber stamp that says "Stephen Approved" and have been stamping some of my homework with it. So if anybody needs something Stephen Approved, be sure to let me know. I'm looking for excuses to use this thing.

I'm also working to create some advertisements for this site. Check it out and tell me what you think: http://coolnessincarnate.xanga.com/videos/8ecab1096592/.

That's about it for this time, guys. With any luck, I'll find time to update again in September. Otherwise, there's always New Year's Day.

Have a lovely day!

-Steve

Currently Choose Life By Big Tent Revival see related

I was shocked to learn that people still come here. Heck, I don't even come here anymore. Ok, that's not true. I add videos and whatnot, which are mostly fictitious, making them far more interesting than anything I could possible have to say. Still, I have footprints from my mother, people in California, people in Pennsylvania, and apparently I have some new fans in Connecticut. Alternatively, my mother might have taken a cross-country trip without telling me, which would significantly decrease my imaginary fan-base, but we'll keep the glass half-full. What probably happens is that these people are finding me when they do an internet search on some thing with the word "cool," and my name pops up. Which is exactly the way it should be.

How do I sum up the past seven months? Might as well begin with last semester's class schedule. Better late than never.

11:00 a.m., TR: New Testament Literature. I took Old Testament Literature with Dr. Sprinkle, who, let's be honest, made things really simple. On the first test in that class, the first question was, "What is the name of this class?" And that's when I knew--I'm getting an A in Old Testament Literature. New Testament Literature with Dr. Couser was slightly more difficult, but you've got to love any professor who refers to a test as a "celebration of learning."

11:00 a.m., MWF: Calculus III. I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to take this class because it was already full by the time I was eligible to register for classes. Needless to say, this meant I had to start sending discouraging notes to the people I knew who had already signed up for the class. "You're not cut out for calculus." "Have you considered changing your major? I noticed you're not very good at math." "Drop Calculus III or you'll wake up with a squirrel living in your refrigerator." Of course I didn't mean it--I mean, I don't think a squirrel could breathe in a refrigerator. But they ended up expanding the class, and I got in.

12:00 p.m. MF: Research Methods of Mathematics. This was only a one-credit class, but it was a ton of work. The basic idea of the class was to learn how to research topics in math. One of our projects was to go to Wright State University and use their library to find resources for math. Ok, I was kidding when I suggested to the Cedarville administration that we install underground, heated tunnels for traveling between buildings in the winter-time. I didn't realize that there were schools that actually had such wonders. And the section of the Wright State library for math alone was like the library in Beauty and the Beast--it made our entire library at Cedarville look as small as my roommate freshman year. But it was actually a very helpful class, and I got Dr. Brown, the president of Cedarville University, to attend my ten-minute final presentation on the RSA Algorithm of Encryption. I dressed up in my tuxedo for the event, and Dr. Roper had many nice things to say (actually, he said I was weird, but I took it in stride).

1:00 p.m. MWF: Physics II. I have Physics II with Dr. Chen, just as I did for Physics I. The first physics was not only applicable, but in the same zip code as Interesting. Physics II was like a bad sequel--dubbed in Chinese. Had it not been for Dr. Chen's delightful personality, this class might have made me rethink my life. I'm pretty sure "The Charade" that I know physics has ended, judging by my new-found familiarity with the phrases, "Something like that," and "Did you take calculus?" For those of you keeping track at home, here are the additional "Chen Challenge" dares that many of classmates refused to do this past semester:

• Boo loudly when Chen uses calculus to solve a problem
• Have a fake seizure in class
• Dosey-doe with Chen (completed by Alex Mol)
• While Chen is doing a problem on the board, say "you're doing it wrong," walk up, erase what he's written on the board and write something else
• Confess your undying love for Dr. Chen
• Scream in frustration in the middle of class
• Rub Dr. Chen's belly
• Switch seats and go to the opposite side of the room at least three times during class (completed by Alex Mol)
• Speak only in Sean Connery quotes and accent

Somebody tried to get me to do a Chen Challenge, but there's no reward in it for me. What am I going to do, give myself a Steve Devereaux Compliment Coupon? Compliment myself for a minute? I do that all day. Besides, I've got to watch who gets those things. Dr. Roper already has one--heaven knows where that's going to lead.

2:00 p.m. MWF: Linear Algebra. Going into Linear Algebra, I figured I was already set. I mean, I know lines, and I know algebra. How hard can it be? Turns out lines are way more complicated than I thought they were, but I learned a lot of neat words that I can use to make people think I understand math. Most of the other students in this class were older than me and didn't seem to appreciate my sense of humor at first. I swear, they didn't laugh at a single thing. Now, I thought it was funny when I had a good friend of mine, Caitlin, show up at the class one day and announce, "I have a brownie for Stephen Devereaux," and then deliver the sweet goodness. But they gave me awkward glances (they probably wish they had thought of it first). At least they would all play along when we played "Fowl Words" on the computer before class. Sometimes Dr. Roper would play along. Like he had a choice.

As for other events that happened over the past six months, they don't exist. Most of the "events" that happened were actually me sitting in my room doing math homework. I even made a Facebook event called "Steve Does His Math Homework" (it had a surprisingly high turnout). In an attempt to salvage my social life, I even attended a "math major party" on one occasion. My friends Daniel and Caitlin insisted that it wasn't everything my vivid imagination thought a math party would be, so I decided to go. Immediately upon entering, it was exactly as my vivid imagination thought a math party would be. There were two guys in the corner talking about prime numbers. Another girl knew over a hundred digits of pi. I sat in the corner eating chips and giving Daniel nasty glares until a well-timed engineer joke made me the life of the party. What a well-spent Saturday.

So what has been keeping me so busy that I can't update a site nobody reads? That's a fantastic question. I'm glad you asked that question. Here's what I've been doing this summer:

Teaching math in my basement. I like this job, because I get to teach math, wear shorts while I work, drink carbonated beverages, make fun of my students, and I don't have to pay taxes. I have two students. The first is a guy named Brian taking calculus. I've worked with Brian before, so we know each other pretty well. The other, however, is a girl named Melinda taking algebra II. Melinda is my best friend's mother's friend's granddaughter. Yeah--just a little bit of a loose connection. We'd never met before, so I was surprised that she agreed to do this...you know, since it's in my basement and everything. But everything seems to be going ok.

Giving piano lessons. Easiest. Job. Ever. All I do is sit there and listen and make occasional comments like, "Sounds good," "Let's do that one for next week," and "Wow, you suck at the piano" (not so much that last one). And I get paid to do this. If I could get some sort of webcam system set up, I could telecommute and teach piano while I play video games. Heck, if I can just get a tape recorder that says, "Good work," and "Let's do that for next week, too," I might not even have to show up at all.

Talking a Cultural Anthropology class online. At this point, I would normally give a sound effect to accompany my feelings on this subject, but it just doesn't work in writing (the closest thing I can come up with is "phbtbtbphtb"). When I signed up for this class, I didn't even know what anthropology was; I just knew that it met two class requirements and meant I didn't have to take a language in college. It sounded like the study of insects, but in retrospect, I guess there really isn't much "culture" there (which would have made the class even easier). Turns out it's the study of humans and human culture. Look people, I don't need a book to learn about people. You can learn everything you need to know about somebody by playing "Would You Rather?" or watching them on Candid Camera. And if you have a polygraph machine, you're set to go.

Playing Video Games. For the first time, I actually own The Sims. You may remember the extravagant story involving Kyle Drake from my January 10, 2007 post (yes, of course I looked that up. You think I've got this stuff memorized?). Now that I own the game, I created D.J. Baisden and his girlfriend Kaitlin. Oh, and D.J.'s brother Mike happens to be living with them for reasons that can only be described as "unfortunate." Controlling three people was really difficult, though, so I created another house and created me and my future wife Lauren (now everybody I know named Lauren is going to run away screaming). But controlling two people was just as difficult, because you've got like eight different aspects of their lives to consider--so I've got to manage everybody's hunger, energy, fun, social lives, hygiene, bladder, comfort, and what they think about the friggin' room they're in. These people are like giga pets--I can never make them happy. I can't handle all of these things at once! When one thing is going up, another is going down. Steve's hunger satisfaction is going up, but his energy is going down, as if the act of chewing is wearing him out. Something on that list has got to give, and it sure as heck isn't going to be bladder, ok? Not to mention the fact that somehow Steve got on this weird sleeping schedule where he gets up at three in the morning and goes to bed at six in the evening. No wonder he's constantly complaining about not having a social life; he's only awake with the vampires and engineering majors. Maybe I can get him to go to a math major party. That'll liven him up.

Also, my imaginary Tennessee Volunteers in NCAA Football '05 just won their twenty-fourth consecutive national championship. Coach Devereaux is pretty much being hailed as a brilliant mastermind.

I took a vacation. My father and I always go up to Traverse City for their annual Cherry Festival, but this year we stayed for a whole week. The 5k race was about the usual for me:

• I was unsuccessful in convincing the other runners to abandon the race and adjourn to the playground and play on the swings.
• For the first time in three years, I was unsuccessful in getting any spectators to chant "Go Steve!"
• I casually informed nearby runners of my patented strategy of "throwing cups of water over my shoulder to slow down runners behind me" after passing water stations. I noticed that many chose not to run behind me whenever we passed one.
• My remark of "he was just kidding" after the gun sounded didn't fool anyone.
• When we passed a cop car with its lights flashing, I warned the other runners that one of the leaders had gotten pulled over for "running too fast."

The rest of the week was filled with much rest and chillaxing (that's right, Katy. Chillaxing. Chill-axing). I'm already looking forward to next year.

So that's pretty much the past seven months in a nutshell. It's a pretty small nut--maybe a pistachio. With any luck, I'll be able to get back on my monthly posting plan. Wish me luck.

For those of you who got an e-mail about this update and thought, "Oh wow. I totally forgot Steve even had a Xanga site," please leave a comment that includes the words "bran muffin."

Cheers.

-Steve

Currently Heavier Things By John Mayer see related

New Years Day Post 2009

• "Hey, let's compare ID cards."
• If you're in a group of people you can get away with a well-timed, "Let's go around the room and introduce ourselves!" If you can get one person to play along, you win.
• "Hey, how do you spell your name? I've heard it spelled different ways...
• That last one actually backfired on me recently, though. The girl I was talking to responded with,
  
  "Oh really? How else have you heard it spelled?"
  
  "Um...with a ... y?"
  

• Asking Dr. Chen what a derivative is
• Getting Dr. Chen to lead the class in the Pledge of Allegiance
• Getting Dr. Chen to tell a joke in between examples
• Getting Dr. Chen to sing a line from "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"
• Extensively answering a question in a Chinese accent
• Making chicken noises periodically throughout class (with at least one "buck-buck-gaw!")
• Saying an audible "Bullcrap!" in the middle of class
• Having an emotional breakdown in class
• When Dr. Chen walks in the door, push him back out
• Ask/Answer a question in Pig Latin
  

Currently For the Sake of the Call By Steven Curtis Chapman see related

Well, for once I don't have to apologize for not updating. It's a good feeling. But I haven't said anything about my life for the past four months, so this entry could easily be just as long as the last one. Let's see how this works out for me. I suppose I should start from the beginning.

Things weren't exceptionally exciting in September, but we did have our first jazz band concert at Old Clifton Hills for their "Old Clifton Days" festival, which is pretty much like a carnival, except without any cool rides (read: without any rides at all). A few days before the concert, however, I realized that I couldn't find a piece of music that we were playing, "Hayburner." After much panicking, whimpering, and flailing my arms around, my good friend Bekah graciously informed me of the situation: apparently, a bunch of people were planning a big upcoming surprise for our conductor, Mr. DiCuirci, and had sent music to a bunch of alumni who would be coming for a surprise concert that Mr. DiCuirci didn't know about, and apparently they had accidentally sent my original copy of Hayburner to my previous first chair, Nate Molby. But of course I couldn't tell that excuse to Mr. DiCuirci, because he doesn't know about the alumni thing, so it just looks like I lost a piece of music. Great. Even when Nate Molby isn't here, he makes me look like an idiot. Fortunately, Nate faxed a copy of the music to me and everything turned out all right.

Our student government sponsored a special fun event on campus called "Mission: Impossible--Cedarville" last September. The idea of the game is to have a bunch of people start at one end of the campus and try to get to the other side of campus without being seen by any of the strategically positioned faculty with flashlights. I didn't actually participate in the event, but I did dress up in my tuxedo and run around campus. For a while, I just stood by a lamp-post with a black pad of paper and wrote things down. It looked like I was taking secret spy notes, but I was actually just writing my name over and over again. It looks pretty sweet in cursive. (But of course I had sunglasses on and couldn't actually see what I was writing, so the signatures were actually similar to the pathetic attempt to sign my name on those electronic credit machines, you know?) Once that got boring, I walked around asking people if they were "the butterfly." When they inexplicably said no, I either casually walked away or pointed behind them and shouted "Look! I'm pointing in another direction!" and ran away while they were distracted. At this point, I decided to make it my mission to find Pastor Rohm and shoot him with a rubber band. When I finally found him, the conversation went something like this:

"P. Rohm. I should have known I'd find you here."
"Steve! You look like a million dollars."
"Actually, only three hundred eighty seven. I got the pants cheap and I'm not wearing the shoes."
"That's fantastic"
(Pastor Rohm attempts to pat me on the shoulder)
(I whip out my rubber band and arm the device using my thumb and forefinger)
"Don't move unless you want a rubber band in the brain."

Some formalities followed that I don't exactly remember, but I do remember shooting him several times and him falling to the ground. But at this point, with my memory, that could either be completely true or I've just told so many people those details that it might as well be true anyway. Regardless, I did manage to throw off several faculty members during the evening. Mission accomplished!

Fall Break was good. I had the opportunity to hang out with friends from home. We didn't have Kyle to coordinate any events, but we still managed to work something out. At one point, we ran out of things to do, at which point I suggested charades and started writing things down for people to act out. Nate, Jessica's boyfriend, started writing things down too, and then Justin joined in. Here are some of our better ideas:

• A gay washing machine
• Someone playing charades
• Eating this piece of paper
• Throwing water on Jesse
• Barack Obama impersonating John McCain
• An elephant trying to rollerblade on peanuts
• Being a woman (some suggestions: doing laundry, cleaning, doing the dishes, cooking) [this was Justin's...slap him, not me]
• Taking off your clothes
• A porcupine with constipation
• Looking for Waldo
• Steve marrying a walrus
• Someone yelling obscene language
• Kissing Steve (this one looks like my handwriting...)
• Licking yourself clean like a cat
• Act like the Holy Spirit
• Darkness
• Taking off Jesse's clothes
• C.S. Lewis turning into a woman
• A Spanish toaster electrocuting itself.
• Punching yourself in the face
• Three people coming up with retarded ideas for charades

Oh yeah. I would totally love to see my friends act these out. I would probably pay money.

I didn't do anything for Halloween, although I thought about dressing up as a Florida Gators fan (it's the scariest thing I can think of). But I was afraid that people would be too terrified to answer their doors ("Honey--it's a Florida fan! ... Get the kids inside!").

My logic professor, Dr. Roper, would frequently send out e-mails telling us our grades in logic, but it would also tell us our rank in the class. I was third for a while, so I started calling myself "The Jack of Spades." I also started giving Daniel Lyman, who was number one, a hard time whenever he asked me a question ("Whoa! The King of Spades coming to the Jack? His Majesty needs me?"). I moved up to queen for a while, but then I decided to start a petition to get me ranked number one in the class. I had about three full pages of signatures when I handed it to Dr. Roper. Apparently, grades don't actually work that way. But at least he signed it for me. In an ironic twist, I dropped back to Jack of Spades the next day. I'm beginning to wonder if there's a connection.

I also started creating "Steve Devereaux Compliment Coupons." All I do is sign my name on a special piece of paper and give it to someone, and then they can redeem it to me for a full minute's worth of compliment on whatever they write down. It's a great way for me to reward people with something that doesn't actually have monetary value. So far, a few people have actually redeemed them (although some just want to hang on to it for sentimental value), including Dan Hess, who wrote down something that would make me rate this post "discretion required." Let's just say it was possibly the most awkward minute of my life (right up there with last year's speech on condoms). I've noticed that no women have chosen to redeem any coupons. I wonder why that is.

I also tried making a "Dan Hess" compliment coupon and redeeming to him after forging his signature and checking "looks and appearance." Fortunately, he played along, although his very specific and detailed compliments probably made it the second most awkward minute of my life. But at least I apparently have nice glutes. Who knew?

The alumni concert for homecoming went well, too. Mr. DiCuirci totally didn't see it coming. I also got my original copy of Hayburner back from Nate, but in a fascinating twist, another piece of music disappeared. Nate delivered it to me the next morning before he went back to Chicago. Now, whenever anything disappears, I just assume that Nate Molby has it.

This is the first year I've decided to participate in No-Shave November. I was actually going to shave in the middle of the month, but I seem to have lost my electric razor charging cord (Nate Molby probably has it). I thought about using a razor blade, or possibly pulling the hairs out one-by-one with my bare hands, but I ended up just waiting until December and borrowing a charge cord from someone else. Looking back, that story wasn't nearly as interesting as I thought it would be when I started writing it.

But now, exams are done and I am home for Christmas! Thank goodness, too--because the stress was really getting to me. The night before my last two exams, I have four consecutive dreams about missing an exam. And you'd be surprised at the excuses my professors wouldn't accept. Apparently, if I was beaten and mugged by a gang, Dr. Smith would still expect me to be on time for the Politics exam. Good to know.

Well, that about wraps up the semester. Next post should be the New Year's Day post, where I'll be going through any lists you guys want me to do. Or, perhaps more likely, nobody will suggest anything and I'll have to come up with something on my own. Either way, it should be something to look forward to.

Have a Merry Christmas, everyone!

-Steve

Currently Continuum By John Mayer see related

75th Post Excelebration!

Hello, everyone!

Welcome to my 75th post ever! I know it's been forever since I've updated, but in my defense, it looked like nobody actually reads these anymore, which is especially believable when I only get two comments for about two months straight. I think I'm up to about eight now, which seems like a lot, but two were from my mother and two were from the cat, so really, four were from my mother (or four were from the cat...I'm still not convinced that they are separate entities). But now it has come to my attention that a large group of people who are not associated with Xanga are reading this and are apparently too shy to leave me an "anonymous" comment. Why, if it weren't for my RSS feed footprints from people in Sweeden and Lithuania, I'd not have no self-esteem at all. But now I'm back and ready to get started with this special occasion. You won't be getting a Steve update today, but I will be sharing some special documents that I hope you'll enjoy.

Let's get started!

The Cat Journal:

Here’s the story…

As I’m sure you’re aware, we have two cats. Well, the trouble with cats (at least one of the many troubles) is that they’re nocturnal, so while we’re trying to sleep, they think it’s time to play. So we throw their rambunctious little furry bodies in the basement every night.  A couple summers ago, I was struggling with insomnia and I began to wonder…what do my cats do in the basement all night? So I took a pad of paper and a pencil, went down to the basement and recorded my findings. This is what I wrote.

2:07 – Raider appears to be desiring attention. He has begun rubbing his furry body against Colby. Colby seems unresponsive.

2:09 - After experiencing hard rejection from Colby, Raider seeks attention from anything he can rub his face on. He is engaging in what can only be described as “cat intimacy” with a support beam and the leg of a coffee table.

2:14 – The cats have both begun rolling around the carpet vigorously and in almost perfect synchronization, both cooing and purring. I am beginning to wonder if this is some sort of secret ritual they hope will lead to their escape from this imprisonment. I fear the walls will crumble down from sheer magic if they keep it up much longer.

2:18 – Colby has become increasingly fascinated with everywhere the wall meets the floor. He pawed at it for about two minutes. Now he is hiding behind some books, staring at it. Raider, on the other hand, has taken a fascination to where the wall meets the ceiling. Obviously this is going to be a much harder task to investigate, and it appears he has set off in search for a place in the basement where it might occur at a level nearer to the ground.

2:20 – Colby has wandered around the corner into the utility room to see if the wall meets the floor in there as well. He appears to be disappointed with his findings.

2:36 – The cats are engaging in some sort of activity behind the chairs. I’m going to try to get a better view.

2:38 – The cats have become alerted to my presence. Colby appears to want to beat me up. Raider attempted “cat intimacy” with my leg.

2:46 – Colby has come to the realization that when he touches the support beam, his paw does not pass through matter. He is quite intrigued by this discovery and continually looks at his paw in disbelief.

2:48 – Raider has had a brilliant idea for escape. Unfortunately, his plan hit a snag when he learned that the basement door was, in fact, closed.

2:49 – Colby has tried to improve on Raider’s theory by bumping into the door and cooing. No success.

2:50 – As expected, Colby has realized that I have the power to open the door. He has attempted to bribe me by engaging in “cat intimacy” with my leg. I feel his affection may be insincere. I suspect impure motives.

2:53 – The cats have begun to wrestle each other. They are basically a silent ball of fur, tumbling around on the carpet. They try to bite each other’s necks, but it doesn’t work. I propose the theory that cats do not enjoy fur in their mouths that is not their own.

2:54 – Raider found some junk and attempted to climb it. He didn’t get much farther than the laundry basket.

2:55 – Colby made an attack on Raider, but the attack failed because he was distracted by a chair that he felt strongly compelled to rub down with his paws.

2:57 – Raider made another attempt at escape, but the door was still closed. I suspect he may have a short-term memory.

2:58 – Colby moved from all across the room in order to sniff Raider’s hind parts. Raider’s tail thrashed about wildly, but no other part of him seemed to protest. I find this disturbing.

3:00 – The previous experience appears to have given Colby an idea. He has rushed immediately to a spot where the wall meets the floor. I believe he may suspect a connection to that spot and Raider’s hind parts.

3:02 – Further investigation shows no connection. Colby handles the situation by walking in a circle and cooing.

3:06 – I scratch my back, and the cats look at me as though the event holds the highest entertainment value they have seen all day. Given my observations of the past hour, I would not be surprised to learn that this is, in fact, the case.

3:10 – The cats have engaged in furry combat again, but they don’t really seem to be trying that hard. Colby gets a face full of Raider’s hind parts and holds a disgusted look for several seconds. He seemed to enjoy it much more last time. The fight ends when both cats become drowsy simultaneously.

3:14 – Colby seems to be overcome with the urge to clean himself every time he takes two steps. Fortunately, he is quickly distracted by the support beam again. I am formulating a theory that my cats have a very short attention span.

3:19 – The cats wrestle again, but I think it turned into a big hug. They hold the embrace for several seconds.

3:20 – Colby has become increasingly aware of the presence of his own tail. He does several summersaults in attempt to catch it. Once he catches it, he notices how dirty it is and cleans it.

3:22 – Colby began biting his own toenails. It’s a nasty habit and I told him to stop.

3:24 – Colby became interested in the wall and floor again. I am formulating a theory that my cat is the dumbest creature in the whole world.

3:25 – Colby begins attacking his own tail again. I excuse this behavior by reasoning that I would also definitely play with my own furry appendages if I had them.

3:30 – The cats fight again. The fights seem to be growing increasingly anticlimactic as the night goes on. This time they just bopped each other on the head and called it even.

3:32—Previous theory confirmed: my cat is the dumbest creature in the whole world

3:42—It seems as though the cats have decided to settle down for the rest of the night. Thus, I am going to end my observation and return to the upstairs. I hope these findings will one day bring enlightenment to understanding these furry creatures.

The Paper Exchange

Here’s the story…

I mentioned in a post a while ago that I was writing a paper on infinity. My RA at the time, a charming fellow named Nate Smith, had a paper to write on phonics. We decided to help each other out and write each other’s papers. My paper on infinity had to be three pages long, and his paper on phonics had to be three in a half. Here’s what Nate Smith wrote for my paper on infinity:

Infinity, What Can I Say?

By Nate Smith

                Basically, infinity is the coolest topic ever to talk about. What does your worldview say about infinity? Mine says that it is pretty much amazing, I would make love to it if I really had the chance… alas, I do not.

                So, infinity is all about something that never ends and it really makes me happy in that it’s kind of like the song from Lambchop’s Playalong in that it is like “the song that never ends” and it makes me happy but it’s also rather confusing I mean how can you put something like infinity on your cognitive plate and hope to put your mouth around it and by mouth I mean put your mind around something like infinity that never really ends, even that doesn’t really make sense because the word infinity ends and that doesn’t really make sense to me; if I were to come up with a  word that stood for something that wouldn’t end I would have it be more than four syllables, it would be more like incomprehensiblelongnessthatstandsforsomethingthatdoesnotend I think that it would be a pretty sweet word if I do say so myself.

                If you think about it, infinity is the number 1, and yet it is not. It’s always moving, and yet it already has everything… how deep… how philosophical… luckily. I could go on and on about how amazing infinity is, but that would only prove my point more fully, and that’s really not what I’m trying to achieve in this paper so I will not. What it all comes down to is that a lot of great people embrace the fact that infinity is a reality, including George Clooney and Justin’s mom Rita.

                Some people like Chuck Norris. I, on the other hand, like infinity. Infinity is the reason that Waldo is hiding. Infinity’s tears can cure cancer, too bad infinity has never cried. Infinity will roundhouse kick you in the face if you mess around in Texas. There is no theory of evolution, only a list of animals that infinity allows to live. Infinity has two speeds, walk and kill. Guns don’t kill people, infinity kills people. In Pamplona, Spain, the people don’t really run from the bulls, they run from infinity. The Great Wall of China was built originally to keep infinity out and it failed miserably. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Infinity has 72 and they are all poisonous. Infinity was originally put in the “Street Fighter II” game but beta testers got confused when every button they pressed made infinity round house kick their opponents. When they inquired about the glitch, infinity promptly said that there was no glitch. Infinity doesn’t shower, it only takes bloodbaths.

                See? Isn’t infinity just plain amazing? I think so, then again it’s sort of my opinion and has very little to do with fact; you can’t exactly nail down what infinity is and put it in a little box with ribbons and tell it to behave

No

Infinity needs to be free, FREEDOM!!!

It’s just how things go, let the poor infinity be free and roam the country side forever. What countryside you might ask? Every single one at the same time… with geese.

So please, support infinity, I do and look where it’s got me!

---

I love how his second paragraph is one continuous run-on sentence. I'm sure my professor wouldn't have suspected a thing. So, to match the favor, here’s what I wrote for Nate’s paper on phonics:

Hooked On Phonics

By Steve Devereaux

Phonics is an amazing topic. I am so thrilled to be talking about phonics today. If I had the choice to be talking about phonics or not talking about phonics, I would definitely choose to talk about phonics. Phonics is amazing, or as some may say, “Da bomb.” Today I’m going to tell you why phonics is amazing.

                First, phonics is a fun word. It is a neat word to say. If you rearrange the letters, you get the word “Hinscop,” which in of itself makes the topic more interesting. In certain countries, phonics is even cooler than here in the United States because you don’t have to include vowels. Sometimes you don’t have to include consonants, but that is very rare. Take the word Plrthgl, for example. It doesn’t have any vowels at all. Granted, it’s not a real word, but do not let that detract from my point.

                Second, phonics is cool because it scores you a lot of points in scrabble. If you play it on a triple word score, I’m sure you’d get at least ten points.

                Phonics is cool not only because of the first two paragraphs, but also because of this third one. If phonics wasn’t cool, I wouldn’t have a third paragraph to talk about. The simple fact that I am talking about phonics in yet another paragraph confirms how cool it is.

                Now that I have established that phonics is cool, the next question is obvious: “Why don’t monkeys grow beards?” The truth is that monkeys do, in fact, grow beards, but the beards are invisible. Always be cautious when talking with a monkey that has an invisible beard. Such monkeys are deceitful. Also, some monkeys don’t grow beards because the monkey ladies don’t like beards. Monkey ladies are very picky.

                At this point in the paper, I would like to take up a lot of space on my first page by having a paragraph about absolutely nothing. I appreciate your tolerance. This really helps me to reach my goal of three pages a lot faster.

                Since phonics is cool, how should we acknowledge the coolness of phonics? Other than using the word phonics in Scrabble, you can show your appreciation in many different ways. Some ways are illegal in several states, so they will not be mentioned here. All of these are illegal in Nebraska, so we will conclude that Nebraska is actually anti-phonics and should be shunned.

                First, wear a T-shirt that tells people how much you love phonics. If you wear a shirt that says something to the effect of “I love phonics,” or “Hooked on phonics worked for me,” you not only look stylish and pick up all the chicks (unless they don’t like beards, in which case they could be monkeys), but you’ll also show your incredible competence and appreciate for phonics. If you don’t wear a t-shirt, you either don’t appreciate phonics or you are Adam Groff and don’t wear a shirt anyway. In such a scenario, consider getting a tattoo that shows your devotion to phonics.

                Second, sing songs about phonics. Some good ones include, “The I Love Phonics Song,” and “I Would Make Out with Phonics If I Could.” If you can’t sing, then don’t sing about phonics, because it’s insulting to sing about phonics if you can’t sing. Seriously. Show some respect.

                Third, celebrate national phonics day, which is a popular holiday that I just made up. Festivities for the day include hibernation, eating cookies, playing video games, and drinking carbonated beverages. This holiday should be celebrated every Saturday, and you’ll notice that most people already do.

                Since we have established that phonics is cool and explained how to acknowledge the coolness of phonics, we are forced to ask ourselves why we are writing a paper on it, and why I am referring to myself in the royal third person. In response to this, I have decided to write one long continuous sentence that seems like it would be a run-on but isn’t, using only commas and various forms of punctuation to keep the sentence going on for long periods of time, which are much longer than short periods of time, and with any luck I will be able to make it through the entire paragraph and thus succeed in my goal.

                Whatever you do, do not eat this paper. This paper is printed on poisonous paper. Female monkeys do not like poisonous paper.

                If you are ever tempted to use phonics for evil purposes, remember what Gary Thomas said about being tempted to use phonics for evil purposes. He said, “Don’t be tempted to use phonics for evil purposes.” I think this is a shrewd piece of wisdom that we should all incorporate into our everyday lives. Sometimes I get tempted, but then I remember George Thomas, or whatever I said his name was. He inspires me. He should inspire you too.

                Basic forms of phonics include the Phonetical Form and the Prophetical Form. The phonetical form is the common form of phonics that people use. It includes words like “it,” “dog,” “piece,” “monkey,” and “beard.” The prophetical form includes words that prophecy about words upcoming in the sentence, like the next sentence. The way I used “like the next sentence,” is prophetical form. It is way cooler than phonetical form on the basis that I said so and I am never wrong.

                Now that I have shown you more about phonics than really exists, I hope you can see how cool phonics is and why it is important to me. Sometimes I just want to give up on phonics, but I keep holdin’ on, keep holdin’ on. Don’t ever give up on phonics, because phonics will never give up on you. Use the different forms of phonics to shave monkey beards, and never let your hope run dry. If you ever have the chance to catch a phonic in the wild, be sure to engage in that experience. There is nothing more satisfying that catching a group of phonics with your bare hands. Most phonics are best prepared raw, although served medium well with celery has not been unheard of. This message will self-destruct in fourteen seconds. Thank you for your patience and your phonics. Doo bee doo doo. That’s all, folks.

---

In an unfortunate twist, one of my other friends actually used parts of this to write a paper that he actually turned in. Yeah—apparently the topic wasn’t actually about monkey beards. Tough break.

The Ransom Letter

Here’s the story…

For Fall Break last year, I drove myself, my friend Erin, and her friend Noelle. On the return trip, however, Noelle made the incredible mistake of leaving her red thermos in my vehicle. Naturally, I confiscated it and sent her this e-mail:

Subject: Ransom Note

Noelle:

I have your coffee beverage...holder...thing. Yeah, the red thing. That's the one.

Anyway,

I am currently holding it hostage. I discovered it in my SUV and thus declared it mine. I will return to you if you provide me with a hand-written letter telling me how wonderful I am. I need the self-esteem boost. It's tough being me. Unless, of course, I find lots of things in my vehicle to hold ransom.

If you ever want to see your red holder coffee thing beverage again, you must reply to this e-mail and tell me where I can give you the beverage thing and you can give me the letter at some point on Thursday. Only on Thursday will this offer be valid. If you fail to reply, I will be keeping it for myself.

Please reply to this e-mail as soon as possible. Because I don't drink coffee. So this wouldn't end well for anyone.

Sincerely,

-Steve

Noelle wrote me this hand-written note to ensure the safety of her mug:

Dear Stephen,

Thanks for bringing the mug unharmed and whole. You are a wonderful man for allowing us to ride to and from Jackson with you. You are a wonderful driver and your car is very clean. Did I mention you have wonderful taste in music?

Thanks a ton

~Noelle Marie

Next time, I’ll be sure to specify a more appropriate length for the letter. And I'll make some requirements for including my general good-looks.

The Roommate Application

For my final inclusion, I’ve decided to post the application that I sent to Luke for him to be my roommate and the answers that he put. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Application to be Steve’s Roommate

Information:

Full Name: Luke David Thomas Clore the First

Age: 17  Gender: Male

Hair color: Brown  Eye color: hazel

Height: 6’2”  Weight: 165

Considered major: pre-med

Blood type:unknown

Number of girlfriends: ½ (will explain later)

Number of women you could introduce me to: like the stars in the heavens (not really, it just sounded cool)

First five terms of the Taylor Series for e^x: 1+(x/1!)+(x/2!)+(x/3!)+(x/4!) [Yeah, he actually got that right. He must have looked it up. The little cheater.]

Approximate cubic footage of things you will be loading in my vehicle: 0 ft.³ (I have my own car)

Favorite music artists: Any (same as yours)    [Sure you do. I guarantee you that High School Musical and Taylor Swift do not make my top five.]

Top five favorite movies: include, but not limited to: Bourne movies, Hitch, Shooter

What time do you go to bed? 10:00 p.m.

If you could have one superpower, what would it be? telekenisis

Do not read the next line.

If you read this line, put a mark here:   X

On the back of this paper, show me your best drawing of a cat falling in love with tuna. [Let’s just say I’ve seen better.]

Opinion:

On a scale of one to ten (circle one)…

How much do you love the Tennessee Volunteers?  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10 Indifferent [that was a poor choice]

How much do you hate Ohio State (10= much hate)? 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

How quiet can you be in the morning (10 = very quiet)? 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

How hot is Steve (10 = extremely hot)? 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10     3 million (I’m better looking, though) [Oh, so close.]

How outgoing are you? 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

How good are you at euchre? 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

How much of a neat-freak are you (10 = very freaky) 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

What number am I thinking of right now? 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10    11 (you are now!) [He got me there.]

True or False:

True   False      I would eat a raw tennis ball for $1,000.

True   False      I have a tendency to steal other people’s snacks/breakfast food.

True   False      I know how to cook.

True   False      The sight of a messy desk makes me sick.

True   False      I plan on wearing clothing while in the dorm room.

True   False      I can eat a fair-sized sandwich in two bites.

True   False      I have no objection to Steve doing his calculus homework audibly.

True   False      I know the Heimlich maneuver. 

True   False      I can sleep to the sound of white noise.

True   False      I am prone to touch other men physically more often than normal.

Psychological examination:

1.      You are walking down the road when you see a large rabbit sitting against a brick wall. Do you:

A.     Tickle the rabbit

B.     Eat the rabbit

C.     Throw prunes at the rabbit

D.     Decide to have a Sam Adams

2.      You and your friend are drowning in quicksand when you notice a large vine above your friend’s head. Do you:

A.     Summon the ghost of quicksand to aid you.

B.     Throw prunes at your friend.

C.     Eat your friend.

D.     Decide to have a Sam Adams

3.      While showering one morning, you discover that your particular brand of shampoo is not only edible, but also quite tasty. Do you:

A.     Drink all of your shampoo

B.     Encourage people to vote for Hillary Clinton

C.     Take seven showers a day

D.     Mix your shampoo with Sam Adams

[He started to mark A, though.]

4.      Tennessee loses to Arkansas by one point in basketball. Do you:

A.     Hide in a cave for seven years

B.     Tear your clothes and mourn

C.     Drink all of your shampoo

D.     Throw raisins at the television

E.      Encourage people to vote for Bruce Pearl

5.      Every day, a medium-sized midget carrying a salamander runs up to you, kicks you in the shin, and runs away. Do you:

A.     Eat the salamander

B.     Summon the ghost of midgets to aid you

C.     Tear your clothes and mourn

D.     Throw raisins at the midget

E.      Drown the midget in Sam Adams

6.      You are sitting in a diner eating rabbit stew when the man next to you spontaneously combusts. Do you:

A.     Tear your clothes and mourn

B.     Try to “one up” him by spontaneously combusting yourself

C.     Tickle the rabbit in your stew

D.     Mix shampoo and Sam Adams in your stew

E.      Hide in a cave for seven years

7.      You can’t think of a good seventh question for a psychological examination. Do you:

A.     Quote the book of II Chronicles

B.     Drink all of your shampoo

C.     Find a rabbit and tickle it

D.     Summon the ghost of psychological examinations to aid you

E.      Take seven showers

F.      Eat a salamander

G.     Decide to have a Sam Adams

[I'm beginning to notice a pattern]

8.      You wake up one morning with the mind of a man but the body of a large rabbit. Do you:

A.     Take seven showers

B.     Eat a salamander

C.     Hide in a cave for seven years

D.     Tickle yourself

E.      Summon the ghost of rabbits to help you

F.      Encourage people to vote for Harrison Ford

9.      Your friend’s arm randomly falls off while walking to class. Do you:

A.     Give your friend a hand

B.     Bury the arm

C.     Try to “one up” him by spontaneously combusting

D.     Throw raisins at your friend

E.      Throw the arm at a small midget

F.      Eat the arm

G.     Go back in time and prevent this disaster from ever happening

Here, he added his own option, H: Normally, in this situation, I chew my own arm off and sow it on him with 3 blades of grass. But I can’t really say because it’s only happened 3 times.

10.  You have noticed that Steve is an incredibly good-looking fellow. Do you:

A.     Introduce Steve to all of your lady friends

B.     Hide in a cave for seven years

C.     Try to “one up” him by spontaneously combusting

D.     Encourage people to vote for Steve

E.      Tickle Steve

F.      Summon the ghost of incredibly good-looking fellows to aid you

G.     Bury Steve

H.     Eat Steve

I.        Throw raisins at Steve

J.       Have a Sam Adams with Steve

K.     Tear your clothes and mourn

L.      Go back in time and prevent this disaster from ever happening

 [Although probably not in that order]

Your signature here:

X         Luke Clore

Upon completion of this application/examination, please mail to the following address:
Stephen Devereaux, #2888
251 N. Main St.
Cedarville, OH, 45314

Do not eat this document.

There was a bite taken out of the corner, with the word “sorry” written by it.

Well, everyone, I hope it was worth the wait. With any luck, I’ll be back on my monthly posting plan shortly. In the meantime, start sending me lists you’d like to see for the New Year’s Day post.

 Thanks to all of you who have helped Steve’s Xanga survive 75 posts! Thanks especially to Jessica, Hannah, Katy, and my mother, who post comments faithfully to keep my self-esteem high. Thanks to those who leave me footprints from different states to make me think that I’m popular nation-wide. Thanks to Luke for filling out that application and for coming up with the word “excelebration.” And thanks to the makers of Nutty Bars—I am officially addicted.

Have a lovely day!

-Steve